December

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted anything on here. So much for keeping up with my writing practice. I’d like to say I’ve been busy living life which is why I haven’t been writing much, but that is not the case. Mostly I’ve been struggling. Struggling with what you ask? Well, a lot of things really. Life, friendships, relationships, work…all of it. I am not happy. I am happy in the sense that I know I am blessed to have a job when so many are out of work. Happy knowing that having said job ensures me a place to live, food in my tummy and a car to get me where I need to go. Happy knowing I have people in my life that love me. The essentials are taken care of, but I can’t help feeling that there is something missing, that there is more out there which I haven’t experienced and wondering if I ever will. I feel as though I have lost control of my life and am drifting aimlessly.

I never quite got over the feeling that I gave up when I came back to CA from the east coast. Feeling like I gave up on myself, my dreams; feeling that I took the easy road instead of challenging myself. I’ve never regretted anything more in my life than I do that decision and I am not one to have regrets, it’s just not my style. The only one you can truly count on in life is yourself, and I can’t even count on me. It’s so frustrating. What is more frustrating though, is not knowing how to get out of this rut. When you let yourself down, how can you trust yourself to get back on track?

Dear John,

I believe with all of my heart that we could be phenomenal together. I believe that our souls have connected in a way deeper than any physical connection could ever be. I believe that our hearts became one when we weren’t looking, wanting or trying; but I also believe that I deserve more than you are giving me. I deserve someone who makes me a priority in his life, someone who backs up his words with actions, someone who respects me enough to be 100% honest with me even when he knows it will hurt. I ask for those things to build a solid foundation; yet it is those things that I am not getting. I’ve told you repeatedly what I need from you, but you refuse to give it. Your words are perfect, your actions are lacking. I’ve learned many things during my years on this earth, first and foremost is listen to my gut and my gut is telling me that something isn’t right.

In all honesty you showed me what I am looking for and need in someone to share my life with…you showed me that I can truly and selflessly love again – and yes, I have fallen in love with you. If at some point you are ready to give me what I deserve, then I would love to hear from you; for now though, it has to be goodbye…Please know that this decision was not easy for me. My heart will not stop wanting you…but the hurt and disappointment is just too much to take. I could be making the biggest mistake of my life, and I know that, but ultimately I would rather listen to my gut and hurt a little now than go against it and hurt a lot later.

I wish you every success and happiness that life allows you.

When did I get old?

OK, so I’m going to vent now. Last night my friend decided that we needed to go to the movies. I’m not a big movie person and typically dislike GOING to the movies more than I dislike the movie itself. Anyway, we went to the movies and we saw House Bunny (a ridiculously brainless movie, but it made me laugh). The audience in the small theater was 98% under 17 and they were LOUD! When the previews started and they were still talking I knew it was not going to be pretty. There was a group of kids that WOULD NOT stop talking. The guy and his girlfriend next to them asked them to be quiet, we complained to the manager and he talked to them, I hollered at them and still they continued to talk. I know that teenagers will be teenagers, but honestly when did kids completely lose respect for others?

I started thinking about that question realized that I knew the exact moment when it occurred. The moment it became against the law to smack a mouthy kid across the mouth for talking back to his parent, society became doomed. We in effect created a generation of children who believe that they don’t have to listen to or respect those around them. They were never taught to respect their parents, so why should they respect anyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t condone child abuse; however I do believe that there are some children who don’t respond unless you do physically reprimand them. With some children all you have to do is give them a look and they know that they need to correct their behavior, but others well they just need a good spanking.

The parents that cater to their child’s every whim; the parents that cower when their children yell at them; the parents that allow their children to tell them what they’re going to do instead of asking permission; the parents that do not reprimand or punish their children; the parents that do not have rules for their children, these are the parents that I just don’t understand. What service are you doing to your children? How are you helping them to become contributing members of society? How are you sitting in your homes complaining about how much violence there is in the world? How are you angered at selfishness? Do you not see that you are contributing to the problem? You are raising selfish, angry children who expect to be given whatever they want and if it isn’t given to them then they will just take it. By believing your child can do no wrong, you raise a child that won’t take responsibility for their actions. By allowing your child to yell at you and tell you how things are, you raise a child that has no respect for you or other adults. By allowing your child to do whatever they want with no rules or repercussions, you raise a child that believes there are no rules and can do whatever they want regardless of the effect it might have. I’m not implying that we should raise minions who do not think for themselves, but regardless of what your opinions are there should be an underlying level of respect and compassion for others.

No one is perfect, and sometimes regardless of how we raise our kids they turn into productive, successful, contributing members of society; or complete losers.  Also at some point our kids grow up and they need to stop blaming their upbringing and take responsibility for the decisions they make. However, as parents we have an obligation to do the very best we can to provide our children with the tools they need to be adults. There is something to be said for ‘tough love’. While it’s not always easy to tell your kids no when you want to give them everything they want; it’s important that they understand we don’t always get what we want. We can’t be with them every minute of every day, but we can raise them to know how to behave when we aren’t there. We can teach them confidence, respect, honor, trust and honesty. If you’re asking how, the answer is simple: emulate it. If we want them to be confident; believe in them. If we want them to be respectful; show respect. If we want to show them how to honor; be honorable. If we want to show them how to trust; trust those who deserve to be trusted. If we want to show them how to be honest; be honest. If society has made you unsure of what those words really mean, visit www.m-w.com and look them up.

I’m no doctor or psychologist, and I’m certainly not perfect; but I am an adult, I am a parent and I do get irritated as all hell with kids who exhibit disrespectful behavior.

Lost thoughts

I used to carry at least one notebook with me in my car so that I always had a place to write my thoughts when brilliance struck me. I was walking somewhere yesterday, or maybe it was driving I can’t recall, and my brain filled with these great ideas and thoughts of things to write and write about….but alas, the notebook wasn’t there and the thoughts are gone. Maybe if could remember where I was or what I was doing I would be able to recall some of those thoughts….ugh….nope

5am ramblings, continued…at 9pm

So does this friendship have a reason? Is the reason something I need or something I’m giving? What am I getting from it? What am I giving to it? Does it deserve what I’m giving to it, or is it time to move on? How do I decide?

The friendship I explained earlier this morning could be a ‘reason’ friendship; however it could just as easily and more likely be a ‘season’ friendship. We all meet people that we make a connection with. Sometimes that connection is instant. It’s instant, we know right from the start that we have many things in common, we like to do the same things, listen to the same music…it just clicks! We start spending time together, going places, doing things, just ‘hanging out’. This goes on for months, even years, and it’s great. Then one day, something happens and I am just over it, things I always do don’t interest me anymore, the conversations I have are repetitive or unengaging, the places I always go bore me; but no one else sees it or feels it. Suddenly I am an outcast, I’ve done something wrong, I’m mad at someone, I am too good for people. WHAT?!?!?!? Are you serious?? People change. People grow. People move on! That, my friends, is a ‘season’ friendship. I still love all of my friends very much, and should our paths cross I will be happy to see them. I certainly wish them no harm or ill will; it is just that I’m not ‘there’ anymore. I want something different. I have grown, I have changed, I have a different direction or focus in my life. It’s just time to move on.

Someone told me once that I am ‘emotionally weak’. For a moment, I thought there might be something to what that person said; then I snapped out of it. ‘Being real is courageous; it takes a decision and practice.’ That statement came from another motivational reading that was shared with me and it’s so true. Being ‘real’ doesn’t mean being hurtful, it means being true to yourself.

Then there are the lifetime friends. I think we all know what friends those are. Those friends that disappear and reappear time and again over the years and as soon as you reconnect it’s like no time has passed at all. The friend that if something bad happens you can call at 2am and know she (or he) will answer the phone and be there for you no matter what. Those friends that are more like family then some of our family is. I know those friendships are important to me and I will certainly make the time and find the energy to cultivate.

Now I share with you the poem/writing that prompted my rant:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

5am ramblings

If you know me at all, you know that I am a strong and true believer that people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime; and very rarely all three. So, if a reason what reason; if a season what season and if a lifetime whose lifetime. All valid questions really, but how do we answer them? And whose brilliant mind thought it would be a good idea to answer them at 530 on a Tuesday morning?

To answer the question: if a reason, what reason; seems simple enough, right? Honestly though, not really. I don’t know about you, but there have been people who have wandered into my life and years later I’m still asking myself “why exactly are they here?”. If I take a look at the surface, maybe it’s not clear. In looking at the surface: I see someone that I enjoyed spending time with drinking, dancing and laughing; I see someone who opened her home to me on several different occasions so that we could spend a night at the club at that casino which was a little too far away to drive home from;  I see someone who when I moved across the country suddenly didn’t have much to say to me; I see someone who got jealous of friendships that I made with other people;I see someone who when I moved back to the same side of the country didn’t make any effort to spend time with me and when she did, she was short and rude. So looking at all of these things that I see, I ask myself: why? What could be the reason that she came into my life? Is she a ‘reason’? Maybe she is a ‘season’? However there is more. Her jealousy of my other friends seemed to wear off a bit. Now we get together ocassionally for happy hour drinks and appetizers; she is making an effort to spend time with me; she will call or IM out of the blue just to say hi. Now I ask myself, what am I getting from the friendship? Not in the way of material or physical ‘things’ but emotionally. Is this a rewarding relationship? What am I giving to the friendship? Am I worthy of receiving her friendship? When did all of these questions become so important?

A message that a friend shared with me from a motivational ‘reading’ talked about relationships: “Some relationships feed us and make us better people and others just drain us. It’s obvious why we maintain the good ones, but why do we hold onto bad friends, lovers, and relatives?

Guilt? Fear of being alone? Thoughts that one day we’ll get something from these people? Afraid of hurting them? Forget it. If an emotional tie is no longer serving you, then it’s no longer serving you.

Think of it this way – relationships are like bonfires – they require constant oxygen and firewood (ie. love and attention.) When we keep a bunch of fires burning because we’re afraid to let them die out, (I’ll call you soon, we really have to get together) it just sucks up our life force. There’s only so much fuel we can give out at one time.

Imagine if you could pour all of your love, compassion and oxygen into the ones that you are absolutely committed to (or would like to be committed to).

It’s a big risk to let those little fires burn out. But the benefit is that it frees up your energy to devote to building up other fires that do serve you.” So with that being said, how do we determine which friendships deserve our ‘fuel’?

More to come…

Write about a dangerous ride…

Twists
Turns
Loops
Backward
Forward
Upside down
Out of control
Calm
Quiet
Peaceful
Grounded
Challenging
Heroic
Contemplative
Confusing
Memorable
On the edge
Life
…The most dangerous ride you’ll ever take

I am in the backyard…

The stars are like pin-pricks in the night sky. As I stare up at them, the silence around me becomes very obvious; if it were trying to get my attention it did a good job. I focus on the quiet; on the pin-pricked sky; and realize I am very much alone.

The laughter that used to fill this house, this yard, is gone. The smiles, the joy, the love; it has all vanished. I start replaying the last day in my head wondering if I could have done something different or seen earlier signs to prevent what the outcome ended up being.

The anger and the yelling was non-existent. You were uncharacteristically emotionless. A calmness that was eerie and I knew I didn’t trust or like. There you were, looking into my eyes telling me that you wanted out. You tried to tell me it wasn’t me, that you just needed your space; you needed to explore. I heard the words you said, but they were really just a jumble of sounds. They didn’t go together, they didn’t make sense…this couldn’t be happening! All of the reasons I gave you three years earlier; reasons you told me we could overcome. They came flooding from your mouth as if I wrote the script and you were reading the lines. How could you?!?!?! What the hell happened?? Who do you think you are?? Instead of vocalizing my thoughts though, I just sat there. I just sat and listened. I didn’t argue, I didn’t ask why, I didn’t beg you to stay; maybe I should have. I can’t imagine what happened to make things change; to get us to this place.

Here I am, sitting under a star filled sky a month later and I still don’t really know. You have completely disappeared. Your friends haven’t heard from you, your mom and dad call to tell me that you call when you know they won’t be home to leave messages and let them know you’re ok. You always ask them to pass along the message to me; another thing I can’t quite figure out. I guess you weren’t lying when you said you needed space. I think about those things you said, the laughter we once shared, the love that once filled our house. I think about those things and I wonder what happened as I stare into the star filled sky while I am in the backyard.

Write about what has yet to happen.

Tomorrow is the first day that I will start my writing ‘practice’. I have been struggling for days, weeks really, about what to write. Do I want to write poems, fiction, a biography? Do I want to be a travel writer? A columnist? I really don’t know. How do I figure it out? I hear that by practicing my writing, not focusing on grammar, punctuation or spelling, and just writing will help me to figure this out and answer this question. Do I know if that’s true? No. However, I do know that if I just sit down and write nothing bad can come of that. I’ve been telling myself to do it for a long time, but I just haven’t done it. I believe this book will help me with topic ideas to get my thoughts down on paper; learn about what I’m interested in, learn how I write and phrase things in my writing; learn about me! None of that is negative as far as I can tell.I often close my eyes and picture myself sitting outside a cafe, not sure if it’s Paris, France, London or downtown Sacramento, but I see it. I see me sitting there with my laptop, people watching, sipping on coffee and writing. I find such peace and calmness in that vision, my breathing literally slows when I have this image. My dream, I’ve always said, is to travel the world…I believe this could be the way to make that possible….but first I have to practice; so that I can make it happen.